Embracing the “Anal-only” lifestyle

Okay, yeah I watch porn. So do you. It’s great. Sometimes terrible. Don’t compare yourself just mindlessly abuse your body and eject the memory form your brain space.  And more often than not, female pornstars have crazy ugly mugs. Now, I’ve always been open-minded sexually, some might even say extremely open minded. To me anal lovers can be a little bland, I’ve always been curious about it because I feel like men are afraid to ask for it. I would be uncomfortable dating/hiring someone I couldn’t be uninhibited with, so dudes just asssskkkk.

I like weird kinks, like one guy told me he really liked smelling my hair? Rape play tops my list of things that I’ve wondered about, and decided against. There’s just too much grey-area for me. Then there’s the “daddy” fetishist, nazi porn lovers, animal fuckers, fisters  etc etc. I’m pretty sure I’ll be able to convince someone to let me peg them, if only for the shits & giggs. I find fem-dom hilarious, and not very sexy sooorrry. I have to say my favourite thing in the world is male masturbation. I know it’s so common, you’d probably find any hobo doing it under a bridge. But there’s just something beautiful about cocks. Call me a CockLuver, if you will. Just tug on that rod and I’m yours.

Lately, however, I’ve been made aware of this “anal-only” lifestyle. Which speaks to me, it’s slightly more extreme than a quick butt-fucking because it’s more about deprivation and repression of traditional orgasms (ie. flicking the clit) for most women. The female is deprived of any vaginal or clitoral stimulation and is forced to endure and (hopefully) learn to enjoy penetration of the anus.

Deprivation and repression are two of my favourite things, the reason being is they are less harmful than slapping/choking and physical violence that leave bruises and hard-to-explain markings and they don’t cause physical pain more emotional….IDK what that says about me. The second reason is because we all want what we can’t have. And more importantly, we all want to cum!

Anal-only also has great perks like reducing the chance of pregnancy without the use of BC (don’t recommend), and saving one’s virtue for a rich Jew down the line. Also for your personal safety, things they don’t mention on anal-only blogs is, do it with someone you know and that HAS BEEN TESTED.

But if you love the risk, anal (dick/hand/object) increases the chance of acquiring an STD and may lead to prolapses and ruptured colons. Which since I’m a butt doc, I will take care of for you J

So am I strictly anal? Well if you’re a 6’2 Spaniard and you love to cuddle you can find out.

Till then,

ATG 

Pest Control

Now let me start this off by saying: I AM NOT SNOW WHITE. But. It seems that animals are obsessed with me. Yes, I know I say that about men…but there isn’t much of a difference. Two posts about birds doesn’t speak well of my sanity but I swear on Vishnu’s life, Amen…

I am harassed by animals on the daily.

Let’s start off with the buggars known as “pigeons” AKA fat-bellied hellions. Now, I understand that we*** bred them to be little carrier birds, which is tres romantique, (someone please send me love letters inside the asshole of a bird) but somewhere along their evolutionary lineage they turned into carb-eating fat dumplings of ledge squatters. I thought pigeons used to be cute *coo-coo*, but I had never lived in a tall building before. They literally shit upon your life.

Then there are the magpies, which you can see my last post about. I saw one splattered on the asphalt the other day and tried to fist-bump my mother in a congratulatory hurrah. She ignored me, much like my childhood.

And finally there’s this lil’ turd, it’s a cat. Actually a kitten. Or a young cat. I don’t want to impose my ageist labels on this fella. Heck, who’s to say it’s “young”. Let’s go with “cat”.

No collar, no known owner, comes and goes as it pleases. If I wait long enough it stops clawing/crying at the door and jumps away to my neighbor’s balcony. I’d call animal services but I don’t want it to be pounded and made into my Chinese take-out dinner. Maybe it’s like common law****, if they live with you long enough basically you own them in the eyes of the law. I don’t want the cat, I don’t particularly like cats or dogs. I’m partial to llamas and other pack animals, but I don’t see any on my terrace L

I think I’ll name the cat Ass-licker, and then finally it will have a purpose.

*** White devils

**** Marriage is ownership don’t deny it

For A Friend

I like relationships that require the most minimal amount of work but are just magic. People who you can endlessly talk to about depression/angst and general life buttfuckery, but then turn it around and talk to them about the time you had your period all over your crush’s beige car seat…without too much judgment for being a basic bitch.

Taking a break from the drudgery of this channel, I want to give a shout-out to my best friend. I was supposed to write this on international Friendship Day, but I forgot because I’m a bad friend. She is also the only female friend I’ve had in the last 6-7 years. We’re totally opposite but all our interests are the same. Which makes for funny situations when we find ourselves in the same part of the world. We’ve met up on several different continents, leading totally different lifestyles…yet somehow our friendship never changes.

Anyways, a few weeks ago I was at her place at a different city and we thought we’d go watch fireworks with her stoner friends. When it ended we had to get back to her house (11pm), now she’s the most scatter-brained person I’ve ever met. Long story short she forgot how to get back to her house and we basically wandered around till 4 am blisters and all. I’ve never hated a person more for making me wander around the downtown of a city I didn’t know. I guess it was pretty palpable because she said something to the effects of “in moments like these I forget that you have different boundaries than me”. And just those words cemented turned my mood around and I figured out why I adore her, she’s so extremely self-aware about everything. She’s perfectly content on waiting for a bus that might never show up, where as I would much prefer to call every taxi service in the city. People who recognize their faults and address them have the magic that I look for.

Even still, I couldn’t stand to be with her for extended periods of time. We both admitted that we’re good for each other in small doses. I admire our relationship simply because of its longevity. Men walk in and out of my life quite a bit, and I don’t mean in a whoreish way…they just do. It’s nice to find someone who will stickwitchu through it all.

She’s better than a therapist because she thinks about things that are important. Her mental stamina isn’t wasted on how much money she needs to make at the end of the month or what boy texts her back. Which, trust me, is a rarity in female friendships.

Inadvertently, I talk about her a lot on here, in my more serious posts. Yeah she’s a little kooky and way too into jam making, but I admire who she is and more importantly how she thinks.

You’ll never see this, but I want to put it out in the world just in case we ever fall out of touch. So thanks J, no matter where you are in the world I know we’ll always find each other <3 Love ya girl.

Containing Your Crazy

You know sometimes when it’s quiet and you can sort of hear you mind humming like a 1950’s refrigerator? Your senses are heightened, but there’s no need for it, I just look to the sky and curse my Neanderthal ancestors and stupid “evolution”.

(JK I went to school in Canada)

Well for me, it’s when people’s faces seem to morph into weird shapes and the world feels unreal and I begin to question if I’m awake or not. That stuff is scary. I’m not saying I’m special or anything, but I’d probably be the girl who banged her head against the desk all class if I didn’t carefully contain my crazy.

So here is a list of my life hacks to make sure no one (especially a potentially rich spouse) will ever find out how rape  asylum worthy you are.

1.     At the grocery store...

Do: Pick out your favourite box of Captn’ Crunch

Do not: Ram head first into a stack of cereal boxes because you want to watch the world burn. Besides some min wage jockey will have to clean that up. I'm crazy, not a douche *chortle* 

2.     When breaking up with your boyfriend...

Do: Pack up everything from your shared home and leave in the cover of night. You’re saving yourself a 14-year marriage, which ends up with one of you at the end of a noose.

Do not: Call the police. You don’t need witnesses to your dysfunctional relationship. Worse yet, DO NOT livejournal your fights. Those are best saved for the noncon section of Literotica. 

3.     When writing a diary...

Do: MAKE SURE NO ONE EVERY FINDS THAT SHIT. Unless you’ve experienced some Ann(((e))) Frank level oppression. Or you know, it would make for a good incest expose.

Do not: Read bits of it out loud in the only English class you’ll take in uni. No one will ask you out for like 3 months. True story only English Class has bangable men.  On the other hand, I totally scored my prof’s digits (hey Brian).

4.     When making friends online...

Do: See below

Do not: Just don’t.

5.     When meeting new people...

Do: Pretend to interested in everything they say

Do not: Tell them they’re boring you and leave (they won’t like you much after that)

So those are just some things I have written on a post it beside me. And I thought it would be helpful for any fellow NEETs.

I'm ESL. I only know English because of Comedy Central. 

CoolCoolCool. K. Bye.

ATG's Celebrity Crush Compilation

Whatever,

Alright folks, let’s begin. My list of celebrity crushes from the ages of 7-17. I won’t tell you current ones (I’m 20 for those who don’t know, and Indian with lots of issues) because I like to be mysterious and entice my audience (four old dudes and one tranny).
***Side note, weird that I get a lot of traffic on the blogger platform from England & Wales & Scotland. I see what you’re doing, you filthy rascals. Just ask me out on an Internet date already!***
Annnnyways, here is a list of famous people that I’ve fancied. I would do real life people, but I think that’s illegal. When I grow up, I’m going to marry them all. And we’ll all live a polyamrous and very PC life. Yay!
1. Johnny Depp- oh god~~~ first cut is the deepest~~~ 7 y/o I already had a thing for the daddies.
Come on, he was a fuggin pirate. Definition of bad boy + charm of a Chinese diplomat. The vagina remembers.
And if we’re all still being honest Assholes, he can spousal-ly abuse me any time (no prenup).

2. Lee Pace- He’s gay so I guess I don’t need my womb anymore. I would watch a 17 hour gay anal excursion, if he was the star.
Also I like him purely because of his eyebrows and how sweet he was to that little girl in The Fall (FYI stalkers, this is my fave movie, write that down).
3. Michael Fassbender- Half Irish, half German. Full Nazi. Still a little guilty about this one.

Oops.

4. Cillian Murphy- Looks exactly like my first ever IRL crush from middle school and also plays a lot of murders (boys, tip!!!), which is crazy hot for femmes. Don’t ask me why.
5. Seal- Yum. That’s all.
6. Edward Norton- What another Nazi. Awk. No, he’s just a really fucking great actor, talented to the max.
7. Russell Brand- IDK he seems drunk most of the time (alcoholics are low maintenance and are into BDSM by virtue of being abusive). Weirdly not-funny, but he’s just odd (see #1) so I like that.
8. Jack Whitehall - Common theme, terrible hipster comedians (did not include Anthony Jeselnik because he really seem like a douche, but a rose-scented douche). Number 8 has a lot of ties: the dad-looking from Flight of the Concords and the Moss from the IT crowd.

9. Front man of The Proclaimers- Dudes, Scottish guys. Havering. What the fuck. Why so hot?
10. The entire cast of Veronica Mars- the dialog on that show still makes me drip. Like solid writing you guys, hilariously witty. Very nostalgic.

I did not include the ladies, because that’s just gayy. And this list is 90% white men because there's no diversity in media (I'll fuck you up if you disagree). Tell me about your childhood crushes. I know silly topic, but whatever we need some fluffers/fillers.*Twirls away*

Standard Operating Procedure: The Language of the Asshole

Heya cunts,

This post came early, but I have shit to do now that's it's SUMMER. So you're welcome. 

K. Know what I hate. Besides white guys ofc. Is when you’ve used up your nap quota. It’s not even 12pm and I’ve napped twice. And apparently drugging yourself to sleep will give you heart defects shrugs. I’ve had 2 slices of cake. I’ve done everything that brings me joy. Now what?

So I goog’d new “slang” terms because apparently even at 20 I’m too fucking old. Pedos.

Here’s the run down:
-“sis” is the new “bro” used originally to denote black women aka sistas

-“hunty” = honey +cunt ( from that drag show TV program that I should really start watching)

-“innit” not new but I will casually introduce this into my vocab to buy favour with trashy English gents…oh…and it means “isn’t it”…. but since you’re so poor you could only go to school under a toadstool and the dampness has corrupted your pronunciation (tru story)

-“polyp” an abnormal growth of tissue usually in one’s anus, but it’s what I’m going to name my Chow Chow or my IVF baby whichever comes first (no stealing)

-“suh” I dunno guys, this is a bit of a stretch for me, people use this phrase to hit on me, I think it means “ what is up with you”. Tyson Ritter circa 2006: suh boi?
I accept “turnt” and “lit” and maybe even “woke” (I’m super woke after I had 7, 5 hr energy drinks) jk #blm. But I feel like we’re sorely missing more slang words for things I enjoy like penises and racism. I’d really like to start a collective brainstorming session for some cool new words you’ve learned. And for the writers in the crowd, what is your opinion on the evolution/devolution of English?

PS. Ladies, anyone have any good sexting tips? I’m running out of ways to say “I wanna suck your cock, but will only swallow 75% of your cum”.

 

 

PPS. How amazing is Martha Stewart? She’s hellur white but not annoying? Blanch my green beans exactly right, cuz of yew homegurl.

ByebyebyeATG

A Guide: Navigating Your Misery

So keep your expectations low for this post. I have nothing to say, it’s been a slow week (really slow year tbh) but I always post on Sundays :D

A dear friend of mine once told me (after hours of ringing his ears with complaints) that everyone in world is in a constant state of despair and relative misery. I suspect he meant that there is, in life, a constant low-grade inflammatory depression that eats away at your soul until you make peace with it.

Maybe I’m just hella hungover and cranky, but I feel those words more and more as I get older (not much I’m still a nubile youth, don’t doubt my pussy’s tightness). And let’s face it no one likes sad girls, or angry girls people only like peppy, bubbly twatheads whose tits jiggle along with their pigtails when they release a feminine chortle at the joke that you just butchered. Or that’s what I imagine what men like.

OKAY COURTNEY I KNOW YOU’RE REALLY HAPPY WITH YOUR HIGHSCHOOL BOYFIREND WHILE I FREQUENTLY CRY MYSELF TO SLEEP. Please stop posting it on Facebook, Courtney. Courtney. God. Ha-ha jk (not really).

Even if you’re a self-proclaimed lover of black nail polish and pithy conversations about the sex crisis in Japan, you probably love happy people. I love happy people. I’m excited to admit that I have walked away mid-conversation from people I felt were harshing my mellow, it means that I have a low tolerance for bull-shite or something. But my question is why we all keep pretending that we’re not sad? Or why we veer away from depressed/mentally ill people, it’s like we’re convincing ourselves that we’re not one of them. That we’re normal.

*Gasp* do happy people actually exist anymore?

The fact is most people work 40 hour weeks come home to a family who is probably already planning on how to cash the insurance cheque after your death. Not all hope is lost tho, when I feel a mental ice-age coming on I just blast my ears with trash music and eat a tomato. Did you know that tomatoes are the nutrient equivalent of 3 apples?

This was a long-winded way of me asking for your best depression cures. Please and thanks!

ATG :(

Teenage Girl's Diary: MOM, STOP!

Dearest Assholes,

In an effort to keep this virtually barren blog alive on Blogger I will submit more personal, less poltical opinions and stories on this blog. They will not be posted on the Disqus Channel. IDK who I'm talking to? Me? I'm talking to me.

So here we goooooooo...WOOT!

Yesterday, my own mother was being a total jew and tried to set me up with my little brother's soccer coach. It was hilariously awk as 10 other white as-all-hell soccer moms and dads looked on.  Besides the whole 'sleeping with teach' aspect it made me think about the proverbial ~ticking biological clock~. It's still so strange to me that parents who encourage you to achieve great things, cure cancer and shit can still turn around and reduce to nothing more than a nice futon to be bartered off to the highest bidder.

Anyways the guy was a civil engineer and will probably make enough one day to buy my webcam services, if he wants. Other than that, his talk of soil compaction dried up my cunt faster than his 5'5 stature. *shrugs*

It got me thinking that if we'll ever progress (together as humans) to stop being reduced to our biology. If one day ATG in a mini-skirt will be seen the same way as ATG in a suit, or if we'll learn to place more value in companionship versus sexual or martial relationships.Why isn't all this sewage water of love, romance and sex just not draining away? It's boring, and I'm tired of seeing hundreds and thousands of articles in my feed about the same thing. We're all just trying to understand each other, but what if we stopped?

Really I blame the LGBTQ community, I'm happy they have their rights. But their rights movement has subjected straight people to analyze their own interpersonal relationships. Guys stop! It's created a saturation of mushy and sometimes vindictive (see Roosh V) internet gendered, love-lorn bullshit.

There was another shooting at a gay bar this morning. Crusader of allah fuggin duh. We still care so much about who's dick is going where and what shape to shave our vagina hair into, in order to appease the dude who will leave us for an Asian massage parlour assistant.

I dunno about y'all but I'm ready for a Jude Law robot/cyborg-gigolos to please me nightly, but only as friends.

Love,
ATG

Denial of White Privilege

Greetings my babies,

Is it just me, or are white men exceptionally good at denying what is evidently true? Blacks own up to the problems in their own community, Asians are known for their extremely high expectation of their families and countrymen and Hispanics are hardest working immigrants [1].
With every new story that come out where a white man is the perpetrator of a major crime, the idea of white privilege is quickly dismissed and even ridiculed. All I hear from the white crowd is excuses and finger pointing:

Black men are disproportionately jailed, so naturally, it must be a black man problem. Whites refuse to accept the fact that perhaps, just maybe, they graced with leniency because of the colour of their skin. No, instead it is easier for them to just conveniently forget that whites are the ones who make the rules of every economic, legal and social game played here and abroad.

Brock Turner's life is ruined all because of feminists. Boo hoo :((
Yet, American whites have no problem pointing fingers at India for their rape crisis.

Amber Heard recent romantic upheaval is under heavy fire from sources such as TMZ. TMZ reports that she assaulted her previous lover, as if that takes away any credibility of her own abuse claims [2]. White men everywhere try to shift the blame, once again. They will do anything to deny their god given privilege that allows they to escape scot-free almost any situation they bumble into.
This is not a new concept, obviously, but it's that needs to be instilled in the mind of every white man and child. Only then can I stop hating your race.


Leave me your thoughts/guilt <3
ATG


[1]http://www.prb.org/Publication...
[2] http://www.tmz.com/2016/06/07/...

Welcome to the new LoEA!

Hey Assholes,

Wow, a brand new platform. Aka a new house for our incestuous lil family. No longer will we be a shitty Disqus channel, instead we'll be a shitty blog :))))

Tres excite.

Few house keeping rules:

1. No real rules. Post whatever the fuck you want, as long it as some substance and isn't child porn.
2. Email me if you want to be an author (now or in the future). This way I can add you to the "people who are allowed to post on this shitty blogger platform" list.
3. If you want to email me, please use a 'fake' (anon) email to protect your identity. This is so you can post truly horrific ramblings.
4. Any profits each month (from ads and whatnot) will be split EQUALLY among the authors that post by month end.

Let me know if you any suggestions to really kick this shit off with a bang. And let's Christen this blog with a huge fucking orgy. Seriously, someone lick me.



This picture makes a lot of symbolic sense, if you took the pillz I did. 

ATG <3