Containing Your Crazy

You know sometimes when it’s quiet and you can sort of hear you mind humming like a 1950’s refrigerator? Your senses are heightened, but there’s no need for it, I just look to the sky and curse my Neanderthal ancestors and stupid “evolution”.

(JK I went to school in Canada)

Well for me, it’s when people’s faces seem to morph into weird shapes and the world feels unreal and I begin to question if I’m awake or not. That stuff is scary. I’m not saying I’m special or anything, but I’d probably be the girl who banged her head against the desk all class if I didn’t carefully contain my crazy.

So here is a list of my life hacks to make sure no one (especially a potentially rich spouse) will ever find out how rape  asylum worthy you are.

1.     At the grocery store...

Do: Pick out your favourite box of Captn’ Crunch

Do not: Ram head first into a stack of cereal boxes because you want to watch the world burn. Besides some min wage jockey will have to clean that up. I'm crazy, not a douche *chortle* 

2.     When breaking up with your boyfriend...

Do: Pack up everything from your shared home and leave in the cover of night. You’re saving yourself a 14-year marriage, which ends up with one of you at the end of a noose.

Do not: Call the police. You don’t need witnesses to your dysfunctional relationship. Worse yet, DO NOT livejournal your fights. Those are best saved for the noncon section of Literotica. 

3.     When writing a diary...

Do: MAKE SURE NO ONE EVERY FINDS THAT SHIT. Unless you’ve experienced some Ann(((e))) Frank level oppression. Or you know, it would make for a good incest expose.

Do not: Read bits of it out loud in the only English class you’ll take in uni. No one will ask you out for like 3 months. True story only English Class has bangable men.  On the other hand, I totally scored my prof’s digits (hey Brian).

4.     When making friends online...

Do: See below

Do not: Just don’t.

5.     When meeting new people...

Do: Pretend to interested in everything they say

Do not: Tell them they’re boring you and leave (they won’t like you much after that)

So those are just some things I have written on a post it beside me. And I thought it would be helpful for any fellow NEETs.

I'm ESL. I only know English because of Comedy Central. 

CoolCoolCool. K. Bye.

ATG's Celebrity Crush Compilation

Whatever,

Alright folks, let’s begin. My list of celebrity crushes from the ages of 7-17. I won’t tell you current ones (I’m 20 for those who don’t know, and Indian with lots of issues) because I like to be mysterious and entice my audience (four old dudes and one tranny).
***Side note, weird that I get a lot of traffic on the blogger platform from England & Wales & Scotland. I see what you’re doing, you filthy rascals. Just ask me out on an Internet date already!***
Annnnyways, here is a list of famous people that I’ve fancied. I would do real life people, but I think that’s illegal. When I grow up, I’m going to marry them all. And we’ll all live a polyamrous and very PC life. Yay!
1. Johnny Depp- oh god~~~ first cut is the deepest~~~ 7 y/o I already had a thing for the daddies.
Come on, he was a fuggin pirate. Definition of bad boy + charm of a Chinese diplomat. The vagina remembers.
And if we’re all still being honest Assholes, he can spousal-ly abuse me any time (no prenup).

2. Lee Pace- He’s gay so I guess I don’t need my womb anymore. I would watch a 17 hour gay anal excursion, if he was the star.
Also I like him purely because of his eyebrows and how sweet he was to that little girl in The Fall (FYI stalkers, this is my fave movie, write that down).
3. Michael Fassbender- Half Irish, half German. Full Nazi. Still a little guilty about this one.

Oops.

4. Cillian Murphy- Looks exactly like my first ever IRL crush from middle school and also plays a lot of murders (boys, tip!!!), which is crazy hot for femmes. Don’t ask me why.
5. Seal- Yum. That’s all.
6. Edward Norton- What another Nazi. Awk. No, he’s just a really fucking great actor, talented to the max.
7. Russell Brand- IDK he seems drunk most of the time (alcoholics are low maintenance and are into BDSM by virtue of being abusive). Weirdly not-funny, but he’s just odd (see #1) so I like that.
8. Jack Whitehall - Common theme, terrible hipster comedians (did not include Anthony Jeselnik because he really seem like a douche, but a rose-scented douche). Number 8 has a lot of ties: the dad-looking from Flight of the Concords and the Moss from the IT crowd.

9. Front man of The Proclaimers- Dudes, Scottish guys. Havering. What the fuck. Why so hot?
10. The entire cast of Veronica Mars- the dialog on that show still makes me drip. Like solid writing you guys, hilariously witty. Very nostalgic.

I did not include the ladies, because that’s just gayy. And this list is 90% white men because there's no diversity in media (I'll fuck you up if you disagree). Tell me about your childhood crushes. I know silly topic, but whatever we need some fluffers/fillers.*Twirls away*