Saturday 25 June 2016

Standard Operating Procedure: The Language of the Asshole

Heya cunts,

This post came early, but I have shit to do now that's it's SUMMER. So you're welcome. 

K. Know what I hate. Besides white guys ofc. Is when you’ve used up your nap quota. It’s not even 12pm and I’ve napped twice. And apparently drugging yourself to sleep will give you heart defects shrugs. I’ve had 2 slices of cake. I’ve done everything that brings me joy. Now what?

So I goog’d new “slang” terms because apparently even at 20 I’m too fucking old. Pedos.

Here’s the run down:
-“sis” is the new “bro” used originally to denote black women aka sistas

-“hunty” = honey +cunt ( from that drag show TV program that I should really start watching)

-“innit” not new but I will casually introduce this into my vocab to buy favour with trashy English gents…oh…and it means “isn’t it”…. but since you’re so poor you could only go to school under a toadstool and the dampness has corrupted your pronunciation (tru story)

-“polyp” an abnormal growth of tissue usually in one’s anus, but it’s what I’m going to name my Chow Chow or my IVF baby whichever comes first (no stealing)

-“suh” I dunno guys, this is a bit of a stretch for me, people use this phrase to hit on me, I think it means “ what is up with you”. Tyson Ritter circa 2006: suh boi?
I accept “turnt” and “lit” and maybe even “woke” (I’m super woke after I had 7, 5 hr energy drinks) jk #blm. But I feel like we’re sorely missing more slang words for things I enjoy like penises and racism. I’d really like to start a collective brainstorming session for some cool new words you’ve learned. And for the writers in the crowd, what is your opinion on the evolution/devolution of English?

PS. Ladies, anyone have any good sexting tips? I’m running out of ways to say “I wanna suck your cock, but will only swallow 75% of your cum”.
 
PPS. How amazing is Martha Stewart? She’s hellur white but not annoying? Blanch my green beans exactly right, cuz of yew homegurl.


ByebyebyeATG

Sunday 19 June 2016

A Guide: Navigating Your Misery


So keep your expectations low for this post. I have nothing to say, it’s been a slow week (really slow year tbh) but I always post on Sundays :D

A dear friend of mine once told me (after hours of ringing his ears with complaints) that everyone in world is in a constant state of despair and relative misery. I suspect he meant that there is, in life, a constant low-grade inflammatory depression that eats away at your soul until you make peace with it.

Maybe I’m just hella hungover and cranky, but I feel those words more and more as I get older (not much I’m still a nubile youth, don’t doubt my pussy’s tightness). And let’s face it no one likes sad girls, or angry girls people only like peppy, bubbly twatheads whose tits jiggle along with their pigtails when they release a feminine chortle at the joke that you just butchered. Or that’s what I imagine what men like.

OKAY COURTNEY I KNOW YOU’RE REALLY HAPPY WITH YOUR HIGHSCHOOL BOYFIREND WHILE I FREQUENTLY CRY MYSELF TO SLEEP. Please stop posting it on Facebook, Courtney. Courtney. God. Ha-ha jk (not really).

Even if you’re a self-proclaimed lover of black nail polish and pithy conversations about the sex crisis in Japan, you probably love happy people. I love happy people. I’m excited to admit that I have walked away mid-conversation from people I felt were harshing my mellow, it means that I have a low tolerance for bull-shite or something. But my question is why we all keep pretending that we’re not sad? Or why we veer away from depressed/mentally ill people, it’s like we’re convincing ourselves that we’re not one of them. That we’re normal.


*Gasp* do happy people actually exist anymore?

The fact is most people work 40 hour weeks come home to a family who is probably already planning on how to cash the insurance cheque after your death. Not all hope is lost tho, when I feel a mental ice-age coming on I just blast my ears with trash music and eat a tomato. Did you know that tomatoes are the nutrient equivalent of 3 apples?


This was a long-winded way of me asking for your best depression cures. Please and thanks!


ATG :(

Sunday 12 June 2016

Teenage Girl's Diary: MOM, STOP!

Dearest Assholes,

In an effort to keep this virtually barren blog alive on Blogger I will submit more personal, less poltical opinions and stories on this blog. They will not be posted on the Disqus Channel. IDK who I'm talking to? Me? I'm talking to me.

So here we goooooooo...WOOT!

Yesterday, my own mother was being a total jew and tried to set me up with my little brother's soccer coach. It was hilariously awk as 10 other white as-all-hell soccer moms and dads looked on.  Besides the whole 'sleeping with teach' aspect it made me think about the proverbial ~ticking biological clock~. It's still so strange to me that parents who encourage you to achieve great things, cure cancer and shit can still turn around and reduce to nothing more than a nice futon to be bartered off to the highest bidder.

Anyways the guy was a civil engineer and will probably make enough one day to buy my webcam services, if he wants. Other than that, his talk of soil compaction dried up my cunt faster than his 5'5 stature. *shrugs*

It got me thinking that if we'll ever progress (together as humans) to stop being reduced to our biology. If one day ATG in a mini-skirt will be seen the same way as ATG in a suit, or if we'll learn to place more value in companionship versus sexual or martial relationships.Why isn't all this sewage water of love, romance and sex just not draining away? It's boring, and I'm tired of seeing hundreds and thousands of articles in my feed about the same thing. We're all just trying to understand each other, but what if we stopped?

Really I blame the LGBTQ community, I'm happy they have their rights. But their rights movement has subjected straight people to analyze their own interpersonal relationships. Guys stop! It's created a saturation of mushy and sometimes vindictive (see Roosh V) internet gendered, love-lorn bullshit.

There was another shooting at a gay bar this morning. Crusader of allah fuggin duh. We still care so much about who's dick is going where and what shape to shave our vagina hair into, in order to appease the dude who will leave us for an Asian massage parlour assistant.

I dunno about y'all but I'm ready for a Jude Law robot/cyborg-gigolos to please me nightly, but only as friends.


Love,
ATG



Thursday 9 June 2016

Denial of White Privilege



Greetings my babies,

Is it just me, or are white men exceptionally good at denying what is evidently true? Blacks own up to the problems in their own community, Asians are known for their extremely high expectation of their families and countrymen and Hispanics are hardest working immigrants [1].
With every new story that come out where a white man is the perpetrator of a major crime, the idea of white privilege is quickly dismissed and even ridiculed. All I hear from the white crowd is excuses and finger pointing:
Black men are disproportionately jailed, so naturally, it must be a black man problem. Whites refuse to accept the fact that perhaps, just maybe, they graced with leniency because of the colour of their skin. No, instead it is easier for them to just conveniently forget that whites are the ones who make the rules of every economic, legal and social game played here and abroad.

Brock Turner's life is ruined all because of feminists. Boo hoo :((
Yet, American whites have no problem pointing fingers at India for their rape crisis.

Amber Heard recent romantic upheaval is under heavy fire from sources such as TMZ. TMZ reports that she assaulted her previous lover, as if that takes away any credibility of her own abuse claims [2]. White men everywhere try to shift the blame, once again. They will do anything to deny their god given privilege that allows they to escape scot-free almost any situation they bumble into.
This is not a new concept, obviously, but it's that needs to be instilled in the mind of every white man and child. Only then can I stop hating your race.


Leave me your thoughts/guilt <3
ATG


[1]http://www.prb.org/Publication...
[2] http://www.tmz.com/2016/06/07/...