Pest Control

Now let me start this off by saying: I AM NOT SNOW WHITE. But. It seems that animals are obsessed with me. Yes, I know I say that about men…but there isn’t much of a difference. Two posts about birds doesn’t speak well of my sanity but I swear on Vishnu’s life, Amen…

I am harassed by animals on the daily.

Let’s start off with the buggars known as “pigeons” AKA fat-bellied hellions. Now, I understand that we*** bred them to be little carrier birds, which is tres romantique, (someone please send me love letters inside the asshole of a bird) but somewhere along their evolutionary lineage they turned into carb-eating fat dumplings of ledge squatters. I thought pigeons used to be cute *coo-coo*, but I had never lived in a tall building before. They literally shit upon your life.

Then there are the magpies, which you can see my last post about. I saw one splattered on the asphalt the other day and tried to fist-bump my mother in a congratulatory hurrah. She ignored me, much like my childhood.

And finally there’s this lil’ turd, it’s a cat. Actually a kitten. Or a young cat. I don’t want to impose my ageist labels on this fella. Heck, who’s to say it’s “young”. Let’s go with “cat”.

No collar, no known owner, comes and goes as it pleases. If I wait long enough it stops clawing/crying at the door and jumps away to my neighbor’s balcony. I’d call animal services but I don’t want it to be pounded and made into my Chinese take-out dinner. Maybe it’s like common law****, if they live with you long enough basically you own them in the eyes of the law. I don’t want the cat, I don’t particularly like cats or dogs. I’m partial to llamas and other pack animals, but I don’t see any on my terrace L

I think I’ll name the cat Ass-licker, and then finally it will have a purpose.

*** White devils

**** Marriage is ownership don’t deny it